Saturday, September 29, 2007

Letting go/private thoughts

Our house is supposed to close tomorrow, we hope. There have been many delays and I feel bad for the family that wants to move in even as I am anxious about it not being "official" yet.

I am spending too much time searching for real estate in Kentucky. It's easier than being present here.

When I am involved here in ministry--both college and at church--it almost hurts because it's not mine anymore--and yet it never was--it's God's. That's humbling because I thought I understood that, and my emotions tell me I really didn't.

I am so grateful for my husband and my children and the family that we are--even though I grieve at the ways that I fail my extended family here in New England as well as my husband's family in CA. I'm not good at staying in touch. I'm not good at reaching out of my busy life to the outer circle of family. Selfishness.

I have old friends that I love that have moved on and I am not good at keeping up with people and I have so many regrets. I've been praying that God would send me a special girlfriend when we move, and yet I wonder if I am good at being a good friend.

I pray about homeschooling which I love and wonder will we continue or will I be giving that part of my life away, too?

What does God really have for me and for us? I don't know--I trust it is good, but I am still melancholy. I'll just blame it on the maudlin Celtic blood that runs through my veins.

Micah Girl



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