Anxiety

I have been having trouble sleeping because my mind goes into overdrive.

What if...

How will my family cope...

How could God allow...

Morbid thoughts swimming in my mind.

And yet, my God is faithful. He is in charge. He holds my days in His hand. Yet will I trust Him.

After many disciples turned away from Jesus, he asked the twelve if they also wanted to leave. I love Peter's response, and it is one that I often say in my own heart.

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
John 6:68, 69

Although I am frightened, where else can I go? Only to Jesus who has the words of eternal life.

Biopsy scheduled

So yesterday I went for my 2nd mammogram. The technician squeezed me into several uncomfortable positions (although she was gentler than the first tech I had). There were two spots they were concerned about. One seemed to compress properly and not be problematic. The other one would not. The doctor read the films and called me in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound could not pick up the trouble spot because of the dense breast tissue which I just KNEW would be a problem. So she has scheduled me for a biopsy. When I found out, tears began streaming down my face. It took the doctor aback. I was shaken more than I expected. I understand that statistics are in my favor, that the biopsy is minimally invasive, that it's better to be safe than sorry. However, my emotions really got the best of me. I'm not so scared today, although I really didn't sleep much last night. The biopsy is in a little over two weeks which will be after my children have started school. Only my husband and one of my girlfriends knows. I've told no one else. It's too long a period of time to wait with uncertainty and having lots of people on alert. I don't know--I'll probably tell some people before the biopsy. I'm hoping it will be a non-issue. I'm trusting that God's got my life in his hands. I'm scared, but I'll make it.

I shall not be afraid

This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise,in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? Psalm 56:9b-11 From the daily reading today at Book of Common Prayer Daily Office Lectionary.

I have a second mammogram today. I'm sure it will be nothing, but you never know. I had my first baseline mammogram about a month and a half ago, and I just knew that I would have to go for a second. I've read that women with dense breast tissue often require 2nd readings. I'm not looking forward to it, but I am trusting that I'll get a good report and I am very grateful that I have health insurance. I shall not be afraid.

Micah Girl

I'm on Facebook!

Well, that is, I'm on Facebook--not "Micah Girl." I held off joining for years and finally decided to sign up this week. It's been fun to see who else is on it and to reconnect with some people. I've been trying to show tremendous self-restraint and not be on it all the time. It's also strange because my only other major internet presence is anonymous blogging, and Facebook is the opposite of anonymous. I'm also mindful of the fact that once I get back into school or get another "real job" people are going to be checking it out, so I want it to be personal and honest, but keep it professional enough not to be embarassed about silliness. The thing I love about this blog is that I have freedom to just say what's on my mind without fear of a job interviewer quoting me on it.

My parents are coming to visit us for a week at the end of August/beginning of September and I am so excited! I've missed them so much, and I just pray that my dad especially will enjoy the time here and won't find it too stressful. He loves his routine and his health is not great (but I don't think his health is as bad as he thinks it is.)

I am studying for my GREs now and it's been interesting to see how much I have forgotten. However, I am slowly getting back to speed, especially with the math and geometry which I did manage to get A's and B's on (back in the 80's). The verbal part is just fun for me, and I relish reviewing vocabulary lists because I am that kind of geek. Ah, to be a full time geek again, how fun will that be??

It looks like another beautiful day. My kids are off to swim classes and then we have another young friend coming over to spend the afternoon. That means I'll have some time to study some more and just to sit and think. As if I don't do enough of that already.

Endless possibility

In the morning every possibility opens before you. Today is the day I will begin that new workout habit of 60 minutes a day. Today I will devote my spirit to God in an ecstatic devotional time. Today I will bake the perfect loaf of whole wheat bread. Today is the day that I will joyfully whiz through my GRE prep books and be amazed at how much test-based wisdom I already possess. Today is the day that I lead my children through an amazing summer day filled with laughter, learning, and memorable fun all while boasting a Julie Andrews smile. Today is the day that I plan a dinner for my husband that boggles his mind and then... well, that's not for me to blog about. This isn't that kind of a space.

I do love mornings and I sometimes allow them to get lost by sleeping too late, or turning on the morning news, or wasting my energy cleaning up my inbox. A great morning would start early, with exercise and prayer and bible study followed by some fresh air and good coffee in the backyard. There is no reason why I cannot do that. My schedule is largely my own. I am in an enviable position of being in charge of most of the hours of my own day. Lord, I should never take this for granted! How many people are crushed by schedules that are thrust upon them in jobs that they hate?

Once my children are in public school this fall for the first time, I need to be even more careful of my time. To be sure that I am available to my family, yes, but also to be sure that I spend my time carefully and that I do not waste the hours I have been given. I am thinking hard about what I could do to earn money without sacrificing the flexibility of making my own schedule. What great idea lurks just a synapse connection away?

Possible idea: Conversational English tutoring.

Has possibilities.

Onto the reality of my day which also could hold any number of exciting new ideas.

Micah Girl

Quiet space on a forgotten blog

This blog is my quiet space this morning to think out loud. The few people who used to read it periodically have probably long forgotten me, so I think I am talking to myself. This blog started in anonymity so that no one who knew me would recognize my stream of consciousness ramblings. I told a few people I knew how to find Micah Girl and think that they were much less interested in my blah blah blah than I might have imagined. And for a little while in random spurts, I would have readers who knew me not at all comment heartily on my peronal rants.



I feel like a new person here in my new city with my new friends and my new roles. My children will go to public school in the fall, so I will no longer be a homeschooler. When I left New England I left behind my job as a collegiate minister, so my "professional Christian" identity is gone. I have been so busy around our new home (so beautiful!) painting and decorating and filling it with yard sale treasures, that I've gone to bed quite sleepy most nights, even without an additional outside job.



I still wish to pursue a PhD, but need to focus on that aspect over the next several weeks, taking the GRE, applying, etc. in order to allow that part of my new identity to find its way. Lord, help me not to get sidetracked by the daily so that I neglect my long-term goals.



I need to start writing again and with abandon. Perhaps it will take place here, or perhaps in another forum. But my writing muscles are longing for exercise, and my brain needs the clarity that comes with pouring out the whirl of thoughts that constantly buzz in my head. Whether or not it is something that someone else wants to read really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I want to get it out and while sorting through all the mental clutter, I hope that I will refine my thinking so that I can set and pursue goals more clearly.



All this to say that I think that Micah Girl has returned to writing her blog. We shall see.



Blessings,

Micah Girl