Saturday, September 29, 2007

Letting go/private thoughts

Our house is supposed to close tomorrow, we hope. There have been many delays and I feel bad for the family that wants to move in even as I am anxious about it not being "official" yet.

I am spending too much time searching for real estate in Kentucky. It's easier than being present here.

When I am involved here in ministry--both college and at church--it almost hurts because it's not mine anymore--and yet it never was--it's God's. That's humbling because I thought I understood that, and my emotions tell me I really didn't.

I am so grateful for my husband and my children and the family that we are--even though I grieve at the ways that I fail my extended family here in New England as well as my husband's family in CA. I'm not good at staying in touch. I'm not good at reaching out of my busy life to the outer circle of family. Selfishness.

I have old friends that I love that have moved on and I am not good at keeping up with people and I have so many regrets. I've been praying that God would send me a special girlfriend when we move, and yet I wonder if I am good at being a good friend.

I pray about homeschooling which I love and wonder will we continue or will I be giving that part of my life away, too?

What does God really have for me and for us? I don't know--I trust it is good, but I am still melancholy. I'll just blame it on the maudlin Celtic blood that runs through my veins.

Micah Girl


Saturday, September 08, 2007

Prayer and high anxiety

We are praying for the closing on our house which keeps getting put off because of verification requirements for our buyers' financing. My husband seems like he is not worried. I am incredibly anxious and praying for resolution all the time. At this point it looks like we won't be closing until the end of this month (it was supposed to be last month) and I am just praying that it will all come together for all parties involved.

We had our first college worship service this week and it was so great to be back. I taught and led an interactive discussion and it was so nice. When I am with my college students--I feel like I have the best job in the world. When I am homeschooling my kids--I feel the same. As we transition out of here, I probably won't be a college minister anymore (although I expect never to stop ministering to collegians) and I may or may not be a homeschooler depending on how we feel God is leading us. My identity is so tied up in these two jobs, that it makes me nervous to think of who am I without these tasks?

In the meantime, God is providing for all of our needs. We have joy and meaning and purpose. We have a church family that we love. We are constantly making new homeschooling friends. We have new college students in town to love and care for.

And who of us by worrying can add a single hour to her life--or hour to her week for that matter?

Micah Girl

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